just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
