Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
