I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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