i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
