i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
