Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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