my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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