Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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