i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
