I smell stomach acid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this will be a night to untag.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
