What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
it hurts more in the daytime
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
