I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
