That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
