I am puke
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
