Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
