Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
