I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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