I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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