I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
