From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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