"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
