god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
