I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
