I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
