if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
