I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
