Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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