My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
