I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
