Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
