I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
