Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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