I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
