I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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