I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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