I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
