we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
