I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
