Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
