wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
