I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
