connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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