u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
