It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
