Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
