I wish my penis had an off switch
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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