you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
