So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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