just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
