I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
