thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
