i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
