You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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