Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
