I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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